If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
