Umm I'm too high to move.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
