i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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