I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
