Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
