Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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