i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
