Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
