giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
