I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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