We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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