I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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