i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
