watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
