dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize