Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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