He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I looked at my own cervix.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
