I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
