i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
