Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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