Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
