well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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