So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
