The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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