I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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