Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
