dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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