Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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