Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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