I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
