I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize