i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
sex in a hospital.. check
So much Jack, so little girl.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
