Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
