I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
