Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
