If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
