Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
