I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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