It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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