I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
