im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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