You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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