I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
