In the future we'll all be gay
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
