I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
