She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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