I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize