your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I got inside last night via doggy door
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
