No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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