apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
