I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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