its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
