I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
