birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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