If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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