Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
