I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
