There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
