I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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