please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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