remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
